Finally...

I guess I did the right thing this time.
That's why it hurts this much.
You were the one person who loved me the right way,
who cared for me with no expectations,
who held my hands like they were your world;
And when I cried, you made sure that you were there
to hold me tight in the dark
when all people, except you, didn't get my way of thinking.
You took me as I am,
kept me grounded when I felt like rebeling against the world.
You listened intently
to my stories of shame, anger and grief.
And you knew when to simply be quiet,
then you would wait for me until I became still.

There were times when we would just stay silent
and even that was enough already
to calm both our healing hearts and restless minds.
I would take your hand for refuge
and you would gladly wrap your hands around it
to make sure I got the message:
that you had learned how to fall in love with me
and with the complex world I built for myself
and even though you weren't sure if there was anything for you,
you stayed.

As for me
my realizations, 'though not far from yours
are quite different.
At first it was for mere enjoyment
that we keep each other company,
then I began to realize how much I need you,
and you began to realize how much you need me back.
I would keep you company all night long
when your days had been unkind and cruel.
I would secretly admire your strength that you acquired through time.
And you would dazzle me with the profoundness of your heart.
But eventhough truly, it is not hard to fall in love with you,
it is painful to realize that I haven't learned how.
And that hurts me the most.

And now I see your heart aching.
So I have to let you go.
I have to pretend that I don't need you anymore,
because it hurts me more to see you like this.
The one person who loved me the right way
hurting
not because I loved the wrong way
but rather, only differently.
And that hurts me the most.

Isang mainit na araw:

Went job hunting today in Makati. The sun was scorching, so the whole activity became really tiring and heavy. I always hated the feeling of sweat on corporate clothes. It just seems so off.

Went to Megamall for the job fair. Because of the sale, people were swarming like ants in every floor of the mall. People kept bumping me without even giving me the "ay-sorry" look.

And because it is nearing the time of the month, my legs are gazillion times extra tired and my back feels like breaking into half. The shoes I wore weren't the most comfortable ones.

PMS + physical pain + heat = major bitch mode.

True enough, when I got home.... my brother got a taste of my kasungitan (well, because naman of his katangahan). hehe. Sorry.

If it weren't for Kitchie who kept me company throughout the day, I would have probably transformed into my own version of "she-hulk" already halfway through Paseo de Roxas. Thanks so much!

haaaayyy...

Si Lord maraming joke sa akin.
Bakit kaya?
hmmmm...

The hug said:

Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

-whew...

some things i'd live by over the course of my non-stop funk

....

"you see my light... you love my dark... you're still here."
"what you don't have, you don't need."
"there is such a thing as the wrong kind of love."
"you live. you learn. you love. you learn."
"some things are non-negotiable."
"don't censor your tears"
"with you i can talk about everything and nothing."
"thanks for wasting time with me."
"life has a funny way of sticking up on you. life has a funny, funny way of helping you out."
" eh ganun eh.."
"liwanag sa dilim."
"it's just a thing called guy."
"be still."

"Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time"

"You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
Youll find yourself allright alone
Youll find yourself with open arms
Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time"

"cast me gently in the morning, for the night has been unkind."

"Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
Youve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land"

"You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe in
Youre all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe in"

"I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do cause youre too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far youll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go"

"There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise Id drown
But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me Im OK
sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day"

"I am sorry."



--- I quit JVP and I'm devastated. -----

Thanks Jme

I just had to borrow these lines from a friend's tabulas.

What you need to know:
1. The naked truth is the final trait of reality
2. Hope is grief's best music.
3. In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

What you need to do:
1. Follow your bliss.
2. Live all the days of your life.


- amen.

Hindi ko kaya tumawa...

i want to kiss you.
but it might hurt.
coz i have nothing else to offer
as of the moment.

don't die on me.
please.
just wait.

'cause one thing's for sure:
I
don't
ever
wanna
lose
you.

Blank.

I've ran out of words
of important feeling
and of clarity.

Now, I can honestly proclaim
that I've reached the point
of "feeling-nothing".
Numb.
Again.

"Too much" is probably the cause.
All of which are banging against me.
Like torture, pain is monsterous at first.
But becomes blank the minute
it gets too much.
Even the sharpest slap
becomes the mutest sound.
Senses just die
while everything else inside drowns.

Picture me staring blankly.
Couldn't stifle a tear, a laugh, a scream.
Too tired...
of too much.

- written with my hello kitty pajamas and with my hair uncombed.

haha. eto na lang.

Damn.

I just wrote a pretty long blog entry but i didn't have the guts to post it.
So I saved it as draft na lang muna..
hehe. MUNA? hmmm... or for my own eyes na lang forever?

Ewan.

Anyway, here's a snippet:

At this point, I am feeling a lump on my throat and my chest is getting tighter. Often times I feel the urge to just cry infront of you because I know you'll try your best to pacify me, and it is for certain that you never fail to. But then, it's not fair because it might be you I'm going to cry about . So by choice, I am taking the easy way out. I'll settle for outer composure because I know how my inner self works. It's scary and impulsive - great for ruining a perfectly good friendship.


Woah! See now why I'd rather not post it?! haha
Gnyt peeps!