voices for free...

Finally...

2005-05-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

I guess I did the right thing this time.
That's why it hurts this much.
You were the one person who loved me the right way,
who cared for me with no expectations,
who held my hands like they were your world;
And when I cried, you made sure that you were there
to hold me tight in the dark
when all people, except you, didn't get my way of thinking.
You took me as I am,
kept me grounded when I felt like rebeling against the world.
You listened intently
to my stories of shame, anger and grief.
And you knew when to simply be quiet,
then you would wait for me until I became still.

There were times when we would just stay silent
and even that was enough already
to calm both our healing hearts and restless minds.
I would take your hand for refuge
and you would gladly wrap your hands around it
to make sure I got the message:
that you had learned how to fall in love with me
and with the complex world I built for myself
and even though you weren't sure if there was anything for you,
you stayed.

As for me
my realizations, 'though not far from yours
are quite different.
At first it was for mere enjoyment
that we keep each other company,
then I began to realize how much I need you,
and you began to realize how much you need me back.
I would keep you company all night long
when your days had been unkind and cruel.
I would secretly admire your strength that you acquired through time.
And you would dazzle me with the profoundness of your heart.
But eventhough truly, it is not hard to fall in love with you,
it is painful to realize that I haven't learned how.
And that hurts me the most.

And now I see your heart aching.
So I have to let you go.
I have to pretend that I don't need you anymore,
because it hurts me more to see you like this.
The one person who loved me the right way
hurting
not because I loved the wrong way
but rather, only differently.
And that hurts me the most.

Isang mainit na araw:

2005-04-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

Went job hunting today in Makati. The sun was scorching, so the whole activity became really tiring and heavy. I always hated the feeling of sweat on corporate clothes. It just seems so off.

Went to Megamall for the job fair. Because of the sale, people were swarming like ants in every floor of the mall. People kept bumping me without even giving me the "ay-sorry" look.

And because it is nearing the time of the month, my legs are gazillion times extra tired and my back feels like breaking into half. The shoes I wore weren't the most comfortable ones.

PMS + physical pain + heat = major bitch mode.

True enough, when I got home.... my brother got a taste of my kasungitan (well, because naman of his katangahan). hehe. Sorry.

If it weren't for Kitchie who kept me company throughout the day, I would have probably transformed into my own version of "she-hulk" already halfway through Paseo de Roxas. Thanks so much!

haaaayyy...

2005-04-26T01:37:00.000-07:00

Si Lord maraming joke sa akin.
Bakit kaya?
hmmmm...

The hug said:

2005-04-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

-whew...

some things i'd live by over the course of my non-stop funk

2005-04-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

....

"you see my light... you love my dark... you're still here."
"what you don't have, you don't need."
"there is such a thing as the wrong kind of love."
"you live. you learn. you love. you learn."
"some things are non-negotiable."
"don't censor your tears"
"with you i can talk about everything and nothing."
"thanks for wasting time with me."
"life has a funny way of sticking up on you. life has a funny, funny way of helping you out."
" eh ganun eh.."
"liwanag sa dilim."
"it's just a thing called guy."
"be still."

"Dont worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But dont forgo knowing that youre loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time"

"You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
Youll find yourself allright alone
Youll find yourself with open arms
Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time"

"cast me gently in the morning, for the night has been unkind."

"Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
Youve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land"

"You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe in
Youre all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe in"

"I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do cause youre too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far youll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go"

"There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise Id drown
But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me Im OK
sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day"

"I am sorry."

--- I quit JVP and I'm devastated. -----

Thanks Jme

2005-04-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

I just had to borrow these lines from a friend's tabulas.

What you need to know:
1. The naked truth is the final trait of reality
2. Hope is grief's best music.
3. In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

What you need to do:
1. Follow your bliss.
2. Live all the days of your life.

- amen.

Hindi ko kaya tumawa...

2005-04-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

i want to kiss you.
but it might hurt.
coz i have nothing else to offer
as of the moment.

don't die on me.
please.
just wait.

'cause one thing's for sure:
I
don't
ever
wanna
lose
you.

Blank.

2005-04-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

I've ran out of words
of important feeling
and of clarity.

Now, I can honestly proclaim
that I've reached the point
of "feeling-nothing".
Numb.
Again.

"Too much" is probably the cause.
All of which are banging against me.
Like torture, pain is monsterous at first.
But becomes blank the minute
it gets too much.
Even the sharpest slap
becomes the mutest sound.
Senses just die
while everything else inside drowns.

Picture me staring blankly.
Couldn't stifle a tear, a laugh, a scream.
Too tired...
of too much.

- written with my hello kitty pajamas and with my hair uncombed.

haha. eto na lang.

2005-04-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

Damn.

I just wrote a pretty long blog entry but i didn't have the guts to post it.
So I saved it as draft na lang muna..
hehe. MUNA? hmmm... or for my own eyes na lang forever?

Ewan.

Anyway, here's a snippet:

At this point, I am feeling a lump on my throat and my chest is getting tighter. Often times I feel the urge to just cry infront of you because I know you'll try your best to pacify me, and it is for certain that you never fail to. But then, it's not fair because it might be you I'm going to cry about . So by choice, I am taking the easy way out. I'll settle for outer composure because I know how my inner self works. It's scary and impulsive - great for ruining a perfectly good friendship.

Woah! See now why I'd rather not post it?! haha
Gnyt peeps!

Correction:

2005-04-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

I went out/dated myself this afternoon in an attempt to regain my peace of mind. I ended up realizing something.

About Closer:

I am neither Dan nor Alice most of the time.
I am Anna.
For those of you who wonder why: ask me in person.
Jason, why do I have a feeling that you knew this even before I realized it myself?
Hmmm?

Ayan, kaya pala mabigat. Kasi Anna ako.

Argh! Nakakabaliw ung movie!

Sigh again..

2005-04-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

pink_p_nut: anung labas? di ko alam eh.
t1moune: aaaah
t1moune: well, that you know you love each other
t1moune: and that love, being not romantic, does not diminish how much you mean it or how rich it feels and how overwhelmingly good it makes both of you feel
t1moune: no expectations, no frills, no agenda
t1moune: only agenda is to love
t1moune: that's all

---
another Vienna Teng moment.
thanks jowi.

Sigh...

2005-04-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a shitty day i have to admit. home alone. mainit. walang ok sa tv.

The only thing good about it so far is that me and my ex got to really talk for the first time in a very long time. It was good. We did some catching up. It was very reassuring that no matter how much we've damaged each other's lives in the past months, we still know that we'll forever be each other's bestfriends pala. hehe. Life can be really ironic sometimes.

Minsan tlaga, only time can heal.

So ayan pao.
Pwede na tayong magyosi, maginuman, magchismisan, at magpakabaliw without the worry of the possibility of pulling each other's brains out with our usual fights. haha.

Like you said: things have their way of working out.

Baka dito tayo magaling. haha.

---------------------------------------------------

Jason, salamat sa quote:
"you can't build a life with a pop song philosophy"

* Thanks! You know you never fail to brighten up my day.

----------------------------------------------------

As Rica so eloquently put:
"Don't you just love men? What would we do without them?"

Closer.

2005-04-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

I am "was" both Alice and Dan.
Both the victim and the stupid.
Both the admittedly helpless and the seemingly-sure-of-oneself.
Disturbing.
It's scary what kind of evil even ordinary people are capable of.
A check on our inner evil-self (tick tock tick tock).

-----------------------------------------------

I just watched "closer" a few moments ago with family. My parents hated it. My brother was "able" to appreciate it. I, on the other hand, was deeply disturbed by it. Although a lady my age has yet to go through a lot to be able to completely relate to the story, I think atleast in one or another, people who have loved, are loving, and who have been bruised by the fucker called senseless love can own atleast one character out of the four suckers.

I own two.
But I choose to be Alice, not for anybody else but myself.

------------------------------------------------

Here's a thought though...
The raw truth can be our friend. Otherwise, it can ruin us.

Hahaha! I hate grim days like this one. Blek.

today... este yesterday..

2005-04-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

woke up at around 9. went online. couldn't open yahoo. updated friendster instead. ate breakfast at around 1030. jammed with bro. had lunch with BP friends. had coffee with BP friends. went home. composed a song about silence. ate dinner. went to practice. SAW MY SOULMATE!. went home. went online. remembered SOULMATE. currently writing a blog entry.

eeeeeeeekkkkkkk!!!

Batch April 6, 2005.

2005-04-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

I realized that being courageous doesn't necessarily mean that one shouldn't recognize fear, because fear is a reality that cannot be erased. Rather, being courageous means acknowledging the idea that there are better and bigger things than fear - that even though we know it lingers around like a ghost spying on us and waiting for the right time to strike, we do what we think is right anyway with full awareness and responsibility of all its consequences.

Now that I have graduated (starting a new chapter in my life and all that drama, haha), I have also come to realize that I have had enough of cautious living (which isn't even considered as living anyway!). Life is too beautiful to waste, cliche as it may sound (and funny, how my friends always find the need to remind me of this).

You see, i have always been fearful of so many things: of losing, humiliation, hurting again, loving again, awkward situations, talking, and simply putting myself upfront. But then, how will I ever know my real self if I keep shutting the world out? Don't get me wrong. I am not suddenly Miss Daredevil, I-am-not scared-of-anything-anymore. I still get the anxiety, don't you worry (or else I wouldn't even be Mich). But the difference now I guess is that I acknowledge them. And I guess with that, it's probably safe to say that the worst is over. Now that I know everything that I have to face, it is much easier to live my life knowing which aspects I have to open up more to.

The worst is over because the stage of actually admitting all ones fears and accepting them usually takes up most of the pain and thus, courage. Equipped with all the scars, I think I'm more ready to take on the world.

I graduated (not without the help of my best buds of course). I give my coolest props to the following: Niki, LA, Kuya BJ, Jason, Jowi, Kenneth, Erwin, Jampao, Carlo, Barok, Pia, Kitchie, Denise, Raysh, PJ, My Bacolod Friends (Nicole, Meg n Mic, Sabby, Ter, Kar, Rakesh), Sonu(the ever loyal), my brother's guitar, my discman, the shower, my bed, my cellphone(i must say...), and the moon that wept with me.

I graduated but like any ending of any chapter in my life, it isn't the finality of everything. Ha! Who are you kidding? Now that I am actually stronger, I can't possibly stop now. hehe.

So here's to life, and embracing everything one moment at a time, not without fear, but with courage and lots of friends!

Topacio, Michelle Ann Elido. Bachelor of Arts major in Life and Love. Batch April 6, 2005.
I graduated... well, at least for now (wink wink wink).

pahabol:
My buns hurts because of yesterday's badminton. ark!

After a cousin's wedding...

2005-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Disposition: Tamad...

Mish thinking aloud (while typing of course):
- Catharsis has finally successfully made its (hopefully long-lasting) effect on me. I am officially numb and stoic. Thanks to long "pagmumuni-muni" sessions under the shower, killer senti songs, dozens of napolenes, friends who never get tired of listening to me, and the wind on my back (literal yun, dahil summer - labo).

- Mish too numb: .... .... ....

- Forgive my silence and awkwardness. I'm just in limbo, which explains my inability to interact with enthusiasm and appropriate expression most of the time. It's not that I'm deep into my own world of contemplation. No no... I'm just TIRED. simple as that.

* I have less than a month to go before I start my JVP year. Ever heard of PLONGK! ? hehe. This is gona be interesting.

* Congrats to my cousin Kuya C and to his charming love Ruth who just got married a few hours ago. I have to say, Christian weddings rock! But then again the cathartic effect was a bummer, and so I wasn't able to spare a tear. Sniff na lang.. haha.

* To a certain someone... I just read your letter now.

HahaHa!!!

2005-04-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

hehehe...hehehe...hahaha... warning: major michelle laughing syndrome on the way... wahahahaha!

I just need to share:

My mom is thinking about making her own blog too!! haha! Actually, she told me that she already started (well, at least attempted to start) on an entry last Monday while I was in bacolod. It was supposed to be about our Holy Week trip in Mindoro. But then KUNO, it suddenly got erased while she was trying to publish it already. hahaha! so cute! anyway, beat that! Haha, talk about mid-age crisis.

Cute talaga. Love my mum!

Im back!

2005-04-01T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm back from bacolod! (in case you're wondering why my blog hasn't been alive and kicking lately).

Bacolod, as usual was a freakin' blast! Imagine this:

- Surviving 3 days and 2 nights with just P1ooo! (Hearty meals and coffee over cakes included)

- Making blow-out 6 people in a class A chinese restaurant for only P540 (Dimsum and drinks included)

- Driving to 6 different places in just an hour.

- Meeting almost everyone I should bump into in just one place (Ha! How cool is this?!)

Sometimes, I do miss the life and the people in the province. Life is so much simpler and relaxing. It's the kind of place where empty taxis pass you by every 3 mins, where P50 is enough to get you anywhere with a taxi, and where the term "traffic" is rarely used. Stress-free, aye?

Haaay... so maybe you can picture me having the time of my life, pigging out, and catching up on the lives of friends that I've missed for 2 years or so... picture me doing these with a wide smile and sweaty nose. hehe.

---anyway, this is all for now. It's 7am and I'm not quite sure why I am already so wide awake. hehe. So i'll return and hibernate some more, if you don't mind. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Wait! Random thoughts for the day:
1. My yearbook is out! so excited!
2. I'm thinking of starting a diet program... I am quite bothered with how well I fit into my mother's trousers. Hmmm... watchathink?

Tsk!

2005-03-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

I didn't survive My Girl!
My heart was complaining big time, so I gave it a break and decided to call up a friend instead.
Thanks to Sun's 24/7, truly a genius conceptualization!

Now... off to buy that bathing suit!

Ciao!

Anna Scott:
I'm only just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
asking him to love her...

Sniff..

Look what Boredom made me do!

2005-03-22T00:39:00.000-08:00

So I woke up at 10am, looking forward to the no-brainer day I was gonna spend. I ate a mountain of beef lasagna for breakfast while watching Lost in Translation (at least this made me reflect for a bit). By this time, I was already feeling heavy like a whale stranded in front of the television set, hoping for salvation to come in a form of any kind of productive activity.

My exercise was my trip from the living room downstairs to the masters bedroom upstairs where I heavily situated myself on the king sized bed of my parents, as I happily continued my intimate session with the television. This time I watched I.Q., which sort of succeeded with its purpose as a feel-good movie. I dozed off a bit minutes after that, then suddenly remembered that it was way past my lunchtime.

So without even giving the calories from my past meals the chance to burn off, I stocked up more and more as I ate inihaw na hito, with "pang-ulam" flavored rice, and a lot of strawberries to finally end my moment of gluttony. I was a pig.

So I figured that if I stayed another minute inside my house, I was destined to finish every bit of food stored in the pantry and in the ref. Desperate for aircondition as well, I fixed up and headed to Marcos Highway where I patiently waited for a cab that would take me to MegaMall (I figured that it was big enough to explore for the rest of the afternoon - yep, my productive activities have been reduced to such dull conquests).

I arrived in Megamall 'round 5:30pm. I already had a list of things to buy (and not to buy). Finally, at 7pm I was carrying 3 videos I bought at P75 each ( My Girl, Nottinghill, and Anna's Dream) and a pair of white Bayo flip flops (for beach!). I was actually having so much fun! I was on the verge of realizing how orgasmic shopping alone can be. It was nice taking all my precious time while picking out the stuff that I really wanted without the pressure of having to worry about other people waiting for me.

As I continued my conquest (next mission: bathing suit for this week's Mindoro outing), my Indian bestfriend suddenly called me up and suggested dinner. He just finished class in UAP, so he went straight to Megamall after.

Had 2 1/2 hours of dinner/catching up/chismisan/laugh trip over hi-protein pizza and coke which was a good way of ending my day.

Got home before 10, when the phone rang for me. It was a long distance call from my Bacolod Barkada giving me updates about my itinerary when I visit them next week! Very excited about that!

So I guess my boring day didn't turn out to be such a dull day after all!
hehe.

Here's to girls who can shop alone and can find comfort in it!

Thanks!

2005-03-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

* After a kickass graduation, a hilarious videoke session, and a tiring family party...

I had "connection" tonight, along with passion hot tea, honey honey honey, and a couple of stir. Happy (for you, for me, and for life).

Saya!

Random thoughts:

2005-03-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

1. My kuya finally got a job a week ago as the events coordinator for all 4 Cafe Lupe branches (Guadalupe, Antipolo, Tagaytay, and Boracay). So I guess, I won't be seeing much of him na.. Sad. I kinda miss his kakulitan. So I'm all alone at home, befriending silence again (close na kami actually). Kuya, kuya! Kelan tayo jamming uli?

2. My feet hurt because of those killer heels! And tomorrow, I have no choice but to wear them again! Ah, Graduation! U better be worth it!

3. I am acknowledging that I have stage fright and social anxiety. I figured that the only way to start curing them, is to accept them. Oh, yeah I am genuine ISFJ! Introvert talaga ako, promise!

4. Just for this month, a total of 5 people have told me that I grew fat! Tsk! Bull! I jog everyday! (But seriously, chips do become tastier during nights).

5. I am a smoker. I should quit before I get addicted.

6. I am sad about a certain mishap that happened to an old friend.
- Dear friend, c'mon now! Think! Think before you make a fool of yourself! Seriously, don't mess it up with your friends too! You're way smarter than this.

7. I hate humid days most especially. (air-con na to! hehe, sorry dad! Grad gift na lang ung kuryente.)

8. --- i can't seem to type thought #8 with all sincerity yet---- (hehe, atleast I tell the truth)

9. Yawn... sleep.

Guess, who gave me the Blue Rose?!

2005-03-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

Hehe.

I wore a pink floral spaggy top, a mini skirt and slippers. I had dangling earings (my dream catchers), i borrowed a denim jacket that made me look a little more mature than ever. I had a can of Coke Light. I was with my girlfriends (it was our "you-go-gurl" night).

2 main motivations to go to the Blue Roast:
1. It was a time to party with friends.
2. SugarFree!! ('nuff said!)

So there I was jumping up and down with other Sugarfree suckers when Ebe, the lead vocalist accidentally kicked a pink ballon right into my face (yup, i was right infront! - what a groupeeeee!). In front of the whole Ateneo batch 2005, this Musician was apologizing to me like a helpless dog and making silly excuses! hehe.

So to make up for the humiliation he caused me (Duhh!!), he gave me that pink balloon and handed me a blue rose while he was on stage! Yes, can you just picture the incident with the crowd shouting "kisss, kissss!". Haha!

So funny!!

So anyway, after their spectacular (no, stellar!!) performance, I went backstage with a friend of mine who is a Sugarfree fan as well (thanks Jo-e!), and had formal introductions with the band. Ebe, continued with his apology (hehe, buti nga!), and I got 2 pictures with the whole band!

Of course, I didn't leave without telling them how much I admire them as musicians and lyricists!

So there, I got a Blue Rose (symbolizing unrequited love) from one of the best pinoy bands ever! Need I ask for more!

While I was jogging...

2005-03-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

I thought of these lines:

"Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay..." - Eheads.

"If I could choose to live my life, there'll be no if's to say. If I could choose to hold your hand, there'll be no if's to say..." - Rivermaya (with bamboo)

--- No joke: your name is written on our street. Literally. Why is that? tsk. Lord naman...

--- see how i beautifully talk to myself. hehe. it's amazing what this damn amygdala can do!

--- whistle with me, gently...

--- Did you know that I do not know how to sing my alma mater song?! haha.

Hhhmmmm...

2005-03-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

Background music: Angsty piano c/o Vienna Teng
Mood: Steady.
I'm wearing: Ateneo '05 shirt (c/0 Ayz) and khaki shorts.
Look: out of bed

I was desperately looking for my healthcard and student's drivers license through the mountain of trash i have contributed in our storage room. Aside from utter panic and desperation, i got a share of good "ting ting ting" feeling as well, as i bumped into some stuff from the past that reminded me of good and not-so-good times. Haha, sometimes I really get a lot from being "burara".

Anyway... i saw old photos, unread books (ha! i can save my money!), old notes and cards, dusty figurines, and watercolor. Imagine me with that dreamy smile shifting to schemey smirk, and my tears swelling. hehe. i can really be the best reminisce-r (if there is such a thing).

AND! mission accomplished. I found both my driver's license and healthcard sitting pretty inside my old black leather wallet. Mga pasaway na gamit!

So i wrote a list of resolutions in my mind - including things i have to do before I leave for JVP (sa kabukiran... lalalalala...). They may sound abstract but it's really up to you if you want them to be complicated abstractions. They just popped out of my B-E-A-utiful mind.

1. Put things on their right places (where i can easily find them).
2. Think less about the future and concentrate on the things that I have or can have NOW.
3. Never lose things that are essential for my own survival.
4. Reconsider priorities.
5. Never lose grip of music.
6. Exercise more.
7. Avoid those cutesy little Hello Panda's as much as I could.
8. Talk to God while I'm awake.
9. Fight for love.
10. Forgive.
11. Mend.
12. Learn to eat vegetables.
13. Have a buffet dinner with friends in Italliani's
14. Buy a musical instrument
15. Learn how to play the musical instrument.
16. Go to Bacolod to retrace my roots
17. Get drunk one last time.
18. Say I love you one last time.
19. Jump more.
20. Get enough sleep.
21. And of course! Get my non-pro driver's license!

Whew... I guess that's enough to keep me busy for the whole of April. haha.

Anyway, just a random thought...

"maybe it was meant to be just an intersection. but what an intersection it was, right?"

Dilemma:
Million Dollar Baby or Hide and Seek?
Sinagang ng ulo ng bangus or porkchop?
sleep or daydream?
think of you or not?

Answers:
- hide and seek (coz it's daytime)
- both (one isn't enough)
- none (i'll be productive)
- i don't think i'll ever stop thinking of you.

Adios Moochacho!